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Clearly something is amiss. I think Sin might be locked in the closet again, but I'm sure we'll hear more about it later. In the meantime, since nobody wants to do math two days in a row, I thought I'd throw up a musical. (That's what they do on cable channels, right, when the normal programming isn't available?) So I bring you the interview with Mary Poppins.
Please give a warm welcome to Mary Poppins! *background soundtrack music of Chim-chim-chir-ree; then a silhouette of famous Poppins profile with infamous hat and flower*
MP: *crisp British accent (CBA)* Hello, Ms. Hellion. Thank you for inviting me here today. I must say I was rather surprised you thought I had anything new and exciting to share about writing but I’ve been thinking on it quite meticulously and I think you will be pleased….
Hellion: Actually, I took the liberty of parodying some songs from your movie….
MP: *scoffing in her CBA* My movie? Don’t be absurd! As if I would ever consent to having my life filmed—and I don’t go around bursting into song.
Hellion: Yes, you don’t make out with chimney sweeps either, but I’ve got your number. I saw how you looked at Bert. I know you wanted to make hot, wild monkey love and have his little sweeps. *hands offended MP a sheaf of lyrics* Please pardon the scratch outs. I didn’t have a lot of time to write these….
*song cues up for “A Spoonful of Sugar”*
MP: *glares at Hellion before looking at the lyrics finally, then cocks an eyebrow at Hellion* Is this necessary? *Hellion nods, Mary sighs* Oh, well, if we must, we must. *shakes lyrics and begins speaking crisply*
For every story that you write
There is a critic who’ll say it’s trite
You find that critic *MP snaps her fingers, glares at Hellion*
And never read his crap ever again. *gasping, then gives Hellion a look* HONESTLY!
*singing* And every tale you do construct,
Expect to be rolled in the muck,
The garbage. The $1.99 bin at Wally World. TIME.
But a fifth of spiced rum makes the Bad Review go down,
The bad review go down, bad review go down…
*Captain Jack Sparrow and his many hallucinations of himself burst onto the set behind, linking arms, slinging rum, and kicking their legs high in drunken frivolity; they join in for the last part of singing*
Just a fifth of spiced rum makes the Bad Review go down,
In an almost painless way….
MP: *tossing aside the top sheet of the lyrics as the second song cues up* Ms. Hellion, I don’t think…. *music cues and she rolls her eyes, but sings*
Fin-finishy, fin-finishy, fin-fin your book
It won’t write itself, you big shirker forsook!
And as we can tell by the last lamentable rhyme,
Hellion wrote this blog in a very crunched time!
Hellion wrote this blog in a very crunched time.
MP: Honestly Ms. Hellion, you must be kidding with these lyrics…they’re positively the most… *music cued back for second verse*
Fin-finishy, fin-finishy, fin-fin your tale—
Because your writing friends won’t care when you weep and wail.
For we all know what a sad procrastinator you are—
If you were a lawyer, you’d be given the most highest bar.
Hellion didn’t even research to see if lawyers get bars!
Hellion: *clapping* That was wonderful, Miss Poppins. Now just one more song…
MP: I think we’ve had just about enough. *music cues and she gasps* You’re mad!
Hellion: They tell me that quite a lot. If I weren't, a lot of this probably would never work.
MP: *frowning* Because I was afraid to write when I was just a lad
My father read all my works and told me I was bad,
But then one day I learned a truth to save my achy, breaky heart!
The biggest truth you ever heard and this is how it starts….
It doesn’t have to be Shakespeare; they’ll probably publish you anyway….
MP: *throwing down the last page* This is quite enough. *waves for the music to stop* Beyond ridiculous! Total codswollop! How am I supposed to sing that last line? It doesn’t even make any sense.
Hellion: Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious doesn’t make any sense either, but I’m pretty sure it won song of the year.
MP: I assure you you will not be awarded the same courtesy.
Hellion: *shrugging, unconcerned, smiles at the camera* And now, pirates and landlubbers, what have we learned from the talented, charming, and ever so proficient Miss Poppins…
MP: *blushing* Well, I…I suppose I am…
Hellion: *counting off on her fingers* Number one, don’t take critics to heart. It’s their job to find fault in anything–and frankly, they’re usually bitter, wrong individuals–I mean, look what they said about POTC3. Totally brilliant bit of filming…
Terrio: I still haven't seen it.
Sin**: Don't worry. Neither have I.
Hellion: *ignoring them both* Number two, you can’t offend critics if you don’t finish your book and send it out…and frankly, you’re taking food out of critic’s children’s mouths, if you do that. Do you want to be responsible for all the starving children? No. Finish your book. Get it published. Offend at will.
*grumbling crewmembers in the background at the thought that their bits of brilliance would offend anybody; Hellion gracefully dodges an empty rum bottle*
Hellion: *smiling serenely like that dude off Actor’s Studio* And finally, don’t be such a perfectionist in trying to please everyone, including your parents, that you never finish your manuscript. This isn’t Shakespeare…though I’m pretty sure Shakespeare was the Nora Roberts of his time. Now, let’s thank Mary Poppins once again for sharing her wisdom and insight. *applauds wildly with other crewmembers*
MP: I really couldn’t have said it better myself. I must go now. Cheers.
How's your writing (or reading) been going lately? Anything you want to share?
**the part of Sin is being played by Angelina Jolie as Hellion doesn't really know where Sin is or what she is up to at this time. Secret Ninja stuff, you know.